Hot off the press — a new list of joke gifts for your unfaithful ex. These presents have been painstakingly gathered from all over the globe — England, France, China, Jamaica, New Zealand and, of course, America. They’re mostly intended for a male former beloved, but you’ll find some unisex items too. No lump of coal included. If you want more ideas, take a look at my 2021, 2020, 2018 and 2016 Xmas Gift lists.
As I emphasize in my book, Adulterer’s Wife: How to Thrive Whether You Stay or Not, I would recommend trying to maintain a decent relationship with your ex and just fantasize about giving him or her one of these Christmas gifts. After you’ve sent out the Gourmet Rodents, your ex might not be very helpful about splitting up assets or even giving you that password you’ve forgotten or someone’s contact details that you’ve lost. You’ll be forever seen as the Christmas Grinch.
1. Manly Moustaches (or Mustaches if you only speak American): If he has lots of girlfriends, he can have a different look for each one, for example, the “Casanova” or the “Villain.” This upper lip foliage gives him the added benefit of being in disguise if he’s out on the town with one of his women and happens to encounter another girlfriend.
2. Gourmet Rodent: Safely satisfies any reptile instincts. I know I’m a hypocrite by including this since in previous years of Xmas Gifts, I’ve advocated against sending your ex partner dead creatures. However a former tenant of mine left a packet of Gourmet Rodents in the freezer when he vacated, and I’m a great fan of re-gifting. Maybe it was something I said, but the tenant did have a pet snake that he fed these things to.
3. Old Hiking Boots: Great for gardening in. I don’t mean wearing them when gardening but instead using them as gardens.
4. Mis-Fortune Cookies: These come from Hell Pizza, who according to their website “cater for sinners of all kinds.” There are plenty of Hell Pizza stores to sample “the best damned pizza in this life or the next,” that is, if you happen to be in New Zealand.
5. Vintage Peppermint Tea: If vintage wine is sought after and goes for a premium price, why not vintage tea? I found this 25-year-old packet behind a countertop during a kitchen remodel. You can tell it is old as now there are only 40 teabags in a box rather than 48. Full-bodied and massively endowed, with abundant silky tannins, no doubt these aged teabags have acquired a zesty, rich, earthy flavor and sweaty but attractive saddle leather-like notes as well as a fragrant bouquet of elderberries, tobacco, rich soil, white flowers, smashed minerals and metal. Spoiler Alert: I stole most of the previous sentence from genuine wine descriptions I read online.
6. Genuine Boar’s Head: And I don’t mean the deli meat company. Is he a pig or a bore? If so, this is a perfect addition for the wall of his mansion, to go next to his stag’s head, maybe. You’ll have to go to France to get it, and it will set you back 40 euros.
7. Female Nutcracker: If he thinks you are a ball-buster, this is the ideal gift.
8. Personne N’Est Parfait Mug: If your ex understands French he or she will know this means “Nobody’s Perfect.” Otherwise your ex might find it pleasingly exotic. The crumpled design makes the mug very versatile as it doubles up as a small pitcher.
9. Cock Soup: All the way from sunny Jamaica. Jamaica? No I didn’t. Apart from that old chestnut of a joke, all the comments that came to mind for this gift are sadly unprintable.
10. Wish List Tags: For the person who doesn’t have everything. This gift helps the recipient embrace his or her inner materialist. Greed is good, at least according to Gordon Gekko.
11. Fetish Handcuffs: For the aspiring Christian Grey or Anastasia. Thankfully these are quick release.
12. Ass Glue: For the international traveler to keep Delhi Belly in check perhaps? Or to keep a man sitting down rather than chasing after women? This Chinese medicine, known in Mandarin as ejiao, was on sale in local pharmacies when I was living in Beijing in the 1980s. These days ejiao is translated as donkey hide gelatin, a much less inspiring name, and the high demand for it has had a deleterious effect on donkey populations worldwide. The stuff apparently treats a wide range of conditions including bleeding, dizziness, insomnia and a dry cough. So if you can find any packs from the 1980s, consider getting your ex some Ass Glue for his medicine cabinet — it’s sure to impress his girlfriends.
Photos © C. J. Grace, 2019.
Originally published at https://www.adultererswife.com on December 12, 2019.
